Tuesday, May 30, 2006

The Last Ten Minutes

  • What does a man do to prove his fidelity? Why, cut off his penis, of course!
  • Dan Aykroyd believes in UFOs. Really. One actually summoned him.
  • Pedophiles celebrate their new political party (no, not that party) by vowing to legalize child porn because "a ban just makes children curious." A coalition with MySpace is reportedly in the works.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Immaterial Girl

With even Marilyn Manson's schtick getting stale, the Catholic brass tells Madonna after her latest feeble attempt to shock the Judeo-Christian world, "Please stop trying to stay relevant. It's kinda sad. Go back to writing children's books."

For the video report, click here.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

SightSpeed Releases New Product!

And, I couldn't pass this one up, taken from CNN's website two days ago:

Once again the world's standard of fine reporting sets the tone of unbiased press.

In about 3 hours SightSpeed will unleash its most bitchin release to date. What does that mean? Why, more inane tutorial videos! Guaranteed dummy-proof!

Man I am so ready for the Lost season finale tonight. Plus Hanso spokesman Hugh McIntyre on Jimmy Kimmel tonight? Is this for real?

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Tomorrow You Will Download This App

Sorry for being MIA but the SightSpeed Guy and his team have been working on some pretty heavy duty shizzle that some very influencial future-lookers have foreseen will spell out certain world domination. Therefore I urge everyone that reads this to download this free program tomorrow evening. And why will you download it? Mainly because I tell you to. Have I ever led you astray, dear readers? but also because what other program works on both PCs and Macs (I'm talking to you Meeps) and also starting tomorrow will be able to make voice-only calls to computers and telephones (Check out the super-secret hush-hush sneak preview here)? How cool is that? Plus there's more new stuff too - read all about it here.
Believe me, we're talking earth-altering technology recommended from only the highest sources. Get ready for a new type of connection.
View the video report here.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Don't Bogart the Weed, Ma

What better way to reward good hard work than rolling a fat one with your son? Plus:
For the video report, click here.

Monday, May 08, 2006

The Best of American Exports

While China keeps encouraging its vacationgoers to please refrain from spitting, I decided to do my own Public Service Announcement and advise would-be American tourists against possible offensive behavior. View the video PSA here.

Friday, May 05, 2006

The Secret Life of Public Costume Wearers

This was my first time ever in Hollywood. I find myself equally attracted and repulsed by it. Stars can be the wackiest people, and fortunately for us their oddities are reported on so we can realize that they are a world apart, with their own culture. But I'm not writing about that. Not this time. Even stranger.

Mission Impossible 3, was premeiring across the street from the hotel I was staying at. I hovered around the area, halfly to kill time, halfly to see exactly what goes on at these events. On the red carpet. In the end I ran out of time, but not before I ran into a fascinating subculture I never knew existed: costume wearers.

You see them every now & then in Vegas and Reno, the Britney Spears and Supremes doppelgangers. They are professional, or whatever. Some are dead-on, others look nothing like them except for the costume. It's a deriviative; not incredibly entertaining but amusing nevertheless. Especially the Marilyn Monroe ones - They're never old and always in skimpy dresses.

But paying to see some joker that looks like, but isn't, someone else, is kinda dumb to me. Unless they sing. Then I guess it's at least entertainment, although I still wonder about the sort of people that pay money to see them. Maybe these are same people that think cubic zircona is a good deal.

Other times you'll see them on the streets, which is a bit disconcerting, but at least it's free. They hang out at Star Wars conventions and, from my experience in Hollywood, at movies.

In the hours leading up to the premiere, while everyone was lining up against the rails in hopes of catching a glimpse of whoever, I first noticed an Elvis look-a-like. Actually he was more of a look-nothing-at-all-alike. He was short, overly fat (I know Elvis gained weight, but not this much weight), and didn't even sound like him. Here's a video:

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

I crossed the street and then noticed a guy dressed up in a Batman costume. This was not a cheap outfit. It looked incredibly like the one in the movies, made of hard plastic, not the limp fabric that you see kids wear on Halloween. Dude even looked like George Clooney. He waved his cape in the air every now and then, drawing gasps and giggles from passersby.

Then I noticed two others: A gal in a cheap loose-fitting Supergirl costume, and a really lame looking Johnny Depp pirate character. These guys were working together. People were taking pictures with them, and the girl was smiling.

Another Johnny Depp pirate dude was across the street with Freddy Krueger. This guy had the costume down. He actually grew facial hair and styled it to look like him. I was pretty impressed. Freddy was wearing a mask, better than what I've seen in stores. I have to say I was a little bummed, but I gave him a break since that'd be hard to do. His glove didn't have real blades, which bummed me out more than the mask. I was expecting real blades, because that would be so cool, but when I saw they were plastic, I wasn't really let down, because honestly, a Freddy glove with real blades would be pretty hard to pull off in public.

I was compelled to see what motivated these guys to dress up. Was it for fun? Did they secretly wish to be these characters, like kids? Does wanted to dress up as an adult when it's daylight, not Halloween, and not under the influence make one a bit off?

I got my answer when I asked to take a video of Freddy.

"Sure, you can take a video. But just to let you know, I do this for tips."

Street performers. These guys are simple street performers. Like the dude with the organ and monkey. Except these guys are different. They have absolutely no talent.

Think about it. All street performers have to do something. There's the guys who paint themselves all over with metallic paint and play old school ghetto blasters and pop lock and do the robot in Union Square. On Venice Beach there's the kids who dance like Michael Jackson. They all got skills.

These jokers, these people that dress up? Losers. There's no talent in that. What do they do, put on a costume? That's it? What's the talent in that? Deflated blowup dolls have more flair than any of these.

And then I saw more: Shrek, Jason with a plastic machete, a midget in a Chucky outfit (the midget would have been entertaining without a costume). And then, I saw something incredible - they all knew each other.

I got a gotta have it from Cold Stone Creamery and was walking around the mall near the theater, when I saw them. All together. Having some sort of meeting. Pointing, as if to say, "All right, I've got the corner of Hollywood and Orange, and all the rest of you work south." Is there a home base? Are they union? WTF?

I decided one dollar was worth the entertainment if I could catch them on video. I asked Freddy and Jack Sparrow to pose for a dollar. They said alright, but Jack seemed pissed, as if I was cheating him out of a decent wage.

"What makes you decide to wear a particular costume?" I asked. I wanted to know what made these guys tick. "Does it depend on how you feel?" Jack shrugged.

"Yeah," and then he looked away. He seemed uncomfortable. Sure enough, he left after about 5 seconds. Freddy stayed, though. I got him to look scary. Here's the video:

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Still no answers. But I wasn't prepared for what I saw next: Elvis and Marilyn Monroe pimping Jesus.

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

What were these guys thinking? That maybe if they dress up, they'll attract attention, and then whip out invitations to a prayer service, which is fine, but doesn't the costume and getup kinda make it all just a little non sequitur and kinky?

Unless that's your Jesus. In which case, it might be kinda cool to get schooled by Elvis about the Messiah.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Hollywood Flight Takes Off

I arrived at Oakland International Airport with ten minutes to spare and ran to the security checkpoint. Near the front of the line a sign read "Save yourself 3 minutes" and gave suggestions on how to shave wait time at security: Take out your change and electronics, take off your jacket and shoes. I did it all except take off my shoes. I figured Adidas? What am I gonna hide in them?

"Take off your shoes, sir," barked the security lady. Of course she would tag me. I did so, reluctantly, and mumbled, "There's no metal in them."

"We look for more than just metal, sir." I couldn't argue with that. I went thru the metal detector and the alarm went off. Instinctively I lifted up my shirt.

"Take off your belt, sir."

This woman insisted on making me miss my plane. Maniacally I whipped of my belt with a crazy arm tug, which apparently is a indicator of something. The security lady, who up til now, had held her gaze downward, now looked up at me coldly.

"Can I get a male checker here?" Great. "Step aside, sir. Can I see your boarding pass?"

I whipped it out and gave it to her. "See the departure time? Eleven. That's in five minutes." She handed it back to me and avoided eye contact.

"Step aside, sir."

Right then I wished she was pregnant and went into labor thre months early and gave birth to a bloody stillborn baby. Just so I could laugh at her. That would have made me feel real good.

I had time to visualize all this because Little Matrix Keymaker dude finally came shuffling up with his Bad Stuff Detector Wand a minute after Psycho Security Dominatrix called him out. He motioned to a chair.

"Please sit down, sir." I fell into it.

"Do whatever it is you need to do fast," I told him. "I gotta plane to catch."

"Lift your right arm, sir." Wand wand. "Left arm." Wand wand. "Right leg." Wand wand. "Left leg." Wand wand.

"Stand here, sir." He motioned to some painted footprints on the carpet, like dance instructions. He waved the wand over my body like a healer. It beeped on Levi's trademark copper rivet buttons. Big surprise there.
"I'm going to lift up your shirt, sir." This was insane.

"Look, I've got no problems with whatever you have to do. I just need to catch a plane."

The man put down his wand and hastily gave me the good old-fashioned pat-down. Took 15 seconds.

"You're free to go, sir."

"Thanks," I said, and meant it. As I put my shoes back on, I took one last look at the demon slug security lady that held me up in the first place. She must have been watching me the whole time, because she was standing there with her arms folded, looking at me like Nurse Ratched. Visions of stiddbirth dripping from her uterus into a bloody pile on the carpet made me feel better, and I smile as I grabbed the rest of my things and took off.

As I rushed to the terminal I had 99% given up hope, but there was that 1 percent that said, "If you miss your flight by 10 seconds because you were too lazy to run, you'll never forgive yourself. Plus you'd make stillbirth security lady happy, and you can't have that. So I booked to the gate and saw that the sign for the gate listed the next flight, as if mine had already taken off. But I could see out the window that the plane had not gone anywhere.

I approached the check-in lady, who seemed to be busy on the phone. Instantaneously she held out her hand for my boarding pass, which I handed to her. A woman was talking next to her, explaining something about "he's somewhere, I just don't know where..." inadvertantly holding up the plane for her sake, but allowing me time to get on. The check-in lady waved me in. I made it.

Walking down the hallway to the plane, my thoughts returned to the demon slug security lady, and how I burned her. Take that. And your stillborn baby. I then felt remorse. A stillbirth, that's harsh. Delivering a dead baby, that's pretty much the worst thing a woman can experience. I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

So I wished her a Down Syndrome baby instead.


Tuesday, May 02, 2006

The Last Ten Minutes

No time for a video today. I'm prepping for my trip to LA tomorrow to this event. Dunno exactly what to expect, except I'll be taking lots of video clips of Hollywood randomness. If you see some geek walking around with a tablet PC taking video or talking into the monitor, run away. Fast.

Monday, May 01, 2006

See This Movie or Be Blown Up. Just Kidding.

MI3 is coming out soon, and so in a stroke of marketing genius music boxes playing the classic Mission Impossible theme were placed inside random news racks of the Los Angeles Times. Kinda cute, right? Except it kinda looks like a bomb. Which, in this post-9/11 hyper-freaked-out era, is a totally brilliant idea. Not surprisingly, local authorities were notified, who quickly rendered the device "safe" by blowing the news rack to smithereens. Love it.

For the video report, click here.