The Last 10 Minutes - You Too Might Have Superpowers!

So there's this new dookie smudge of a TV show coming soon on NBC called Heroes which is not about 9/11 or ultramacho crime fighters or übermoms flying from home to work to gym to babysitter.

NBC's new show "Heroes" is about ordinary people who find something extraordinary in themselves. We all have a path in discovering our purpose, but how will these characters use their powers to discover theirs?

Here's the trailer:



Which is so asinine and pathetic in an undeniably, irresistably engaging way, because you can't help but wonder: What if I had superpowers?

Well I'll let you in on a little secret.

I do have superpowers.

Watch the video below.

The Last 10 Minutes - UPDATED VIDEO: Baby Suri's Bronzed Shat Up for Auction

Celebrities continue to baffle me. Just when I thought the vomit-inducing video rip-off hack of both Madonna and Chris Isaak by Paris Hilton couldn't be more flagrantly nauseating, along comes this winner from Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Or, rather, their daughter. Who may or may not exist.

And as if the very fact that someone would fossilize baby poo is not fantastically freakish enough, it's up for auction on eBay.

UPDATE: Sorry, the story was just so far out I couldn't contain myself. Please excuse my unprofessionalism. I removed the old video; view the new video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - I Love Me

Bombarded with attacks and criticism from naysayers, City Councilman Pat Carr logs in to a website under a psuedonym to defend and praise himself, apparently since he sucks so bad, no one else has his back.

Which I think is actually pretty smart. Just think of it - let's it one step further. Work with me here: say you want to win an election, but you're not sure if you'll have enough votes. The other guy seems to have a good amount of supporters, enough so that your victory becomes less a sure thing and more a maybe. Using Pat Carr's brilliant "identity invention," you can create fake people who'll vote in your favor, and bam! Guaranteed victory! No one will ever know!

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Bush Assures Katrina Victims; References Imaginary Animal

On the eve of Katrina's anniversary, President Bush attempted to build confidence in the storm-ravanged South - where relief efforts have taken painfully long and have "just started" a year later - by quoting the timeless words of Dr. Suess.

View the video report here.


OK it's a cheap dig. But c'mon, he practically walked into that one.

The Last 10 Minutes - Survivor: Segregation

So the genius behind Survivor (I know that's an oxymoron) pitched it and CBS bought it: Drudge up age-old racism and factor in competition and a bazillion bucks, make it into a reality show, and BAM! Instant ratings explosion.

Or, I'll just let Jeff Probst do the talking. With Gawker translating.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Someone Buy This Man a New Identity

Cornered by airport security, a man endeavors to keep the fact from his mom that he has erectile dysfunction by doing something stupid.

Very, very stupid.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Warning: You're Being Taped

The advent of YouTube and other video hosting sites are now making my job easier than ever, as politicians shoot themselves in the foot by saying things like "Macaca" and "nice little Guatemalan man" and getting caught on video and having it posted for all to see and hear in beautifully damning glory.

This isn't the type of publicity they were going for, I'm sure.

View the video report here.

What do you think of the ease of recording/posting video on the internet for all to see? Good? Bad? Make you think twice before taking a dump on your boss' car?

The Last 10 Minutes - Un-Double Your Pleasure

Yes, there is actually a medical condition called penile duplication. Which is not as ohgodnopleasedont horrific as what one man who "suffers" from the condition wants to do.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Justice, Reveal Thyself

The long arm of the law has thrown three cases into high profile:

• Warrantless wiretapping ruled illegal
• Tobacco companies deceived public
  
• The killer of JonBenet Ramsey confesses

No ruling, however, on the egregious fashion crime her parents forced her to wear.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - The Shocking Truth Behind Breast Implants

They'll have you think you need them in order to go anywhere in Hollywood. They'll shame you against them by telling you only conceited Narcissists get them to hide their blatant self-loathing.

Don't believe any of it. We go deep to uncover the real reason why women get counterfeit cans.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Who Won?

While the UN-brokered ceasefire may have stopped the bombs dropping, the war of words between Israel and Hezbollah hasn't stopped, oh no, not by a long shot, which is as depressing as seeing toddlers bicker over who won the fight after the teacher broke it up. Except, you know, these are grown men. Which makes it even more depressing.

View the video report here (shot on location at my mom's house in San Diego. Don't say I avoid the front lines for you.)

Plus:

• Conspiracy theorists celebrate "I Knew It I Knew It I Knew It" Day.
• Never piss off your wife before going to sleep.
• It is no longer "Imminent" that my return flight home will be hijacked and blown up or run into the ocean tomorrow. Just "Highly Likely."
  

The Last 10 Minutes - Terrorists Ate My Videoblog

Terrorists recently make the world scary again, and so before flying down to San Diego to visit family I saw the headlines that airports were prohibiting menacing liquids – water, gel, perfume, mouthwash. Fortunately I made sure we left all that behind, but others were not so fortunate.

So instead of a video I'll give you some small munchables to snack on for the weekend.

• At least it didn't have to come to this.
• Sperm donors can leave a message to their future progeny, like "You can thank Playboy."
• Give 3 US soldiers in Iraq a camera each. Take the footage. Cut and slice, and violà! A movie.
• See the humble beginnings of Will Ferrell and relive the 10 Best Will Ferrell Skits of All Time.
• Japan finds a novel way to beat the heat.
  

The Last 10 Minutes - Man Who Wins Dumbest Man on Earth Award Unfortunately Not Alive to Accept It

What would you do if found a rocket-propelled grenade? Would you stick it under your pillow & wait for the grenade fairy? Play ball with it? Incubate it to hatch baby grenades?

None would be as fantastically stupid as what this man did.


View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Important Public Service Announcement

The rising popularity of YouTube and the growing percentage of webcams and other video recording devices has everyone thinking they're the next Michael Gondry or Jon Stewart (that would be me). Some are marginally interesting, others humorous, and not a few should never see the light of day (that would be me).

To that end, I have made a video Public Service Announcement to help the world improve the quality of their videos. Three simple rules can take your efforts from alligator feces to mildly watchable. If you want an example of what not to do, I can direct you to Britney Spears, who, sadly, has allowed herself to be filmed in her natural habitat and unencumbered by her hordes of stylists and publicists. Who, apparently, aren't getting paid enough.

You may see her here and here. I must warn you, after viewing the second video you may start to feel your life being sucked from your soul.

Please view the video PSA here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Mideast War Got You Down?

With the world seemingly spiraling out of control and the plan for a ceasefire between Israel and Hezbollah tenuous at best, Americans have turned to stories of inspiration and rebirth in order to save their sanity and shield themselves from the horrors of reality.

Or is there a different agenda?

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - News Flash: Marketing Works!

Here's a shocker: Kids that listen to songs about hos are more likely to bang one. Or become one. While parental conduct and guidance is more influential, the power of repetitive messaging should not be underestimated. Of course, it'd be easy to point to Snoop as evil incarnate, but if Coca-Cola spends at least $2 billion a year on marketing and advertising, it's gotta work. At least a little. I'm just saying. Pimping ain't easy.

Click here for the video report.

The Last 10 Minutes - Do You Think My Breasts Are Sexy?

No one would. But some feel a woman's breast - in any context - should be kept out of sight. Or so say some in response to the latest issue of Babytalk (left), which features on its cover the totally natural process of a woman feeding her baby with her not-in-any-way-sexual milk factory.

View the video report here.

Plus:

• You can trust everything you read on Wikipedia. Just ask Steven Colbert.
• Think Mel Gibson's apologized enough? It ain't even started.
• Chat with real live robot A.L.I.C.E. and I promise it'll be the biggest waste of your time this weekend.
  

The Last 10 Minutes - The Ancient Art of Saber Rattling

On Monday the UN gave Iran an ultimatum: stop its nuclear program or face sanctions. Today, Iran's Foreign Relations Vice Minister Manuchehr Mohammadi warned such sanctions would increase the cost of oil to $200 a barrel, almost three times as much as the current price. Apparently they are engaged in the gentlemanly game of "saber rattling" - or, in local colloqualism, where I'm from, we call it bullshi**ing.

View the video report here.

The Last 10 Minutes - The Great Mel Gibson Post

In which we give you the best of Mel Gibson's recent decent into racist hell, then sorta-apology, then seeking help in rehab, then super-sincere apology and forgiveness-seeking to Jews everywhere to help him address his bigotry, and all the fun stuff in between. (From Defamer)

View the video report here.

• What was Mel Gibson doing that night anyway? Ooh, pictures!
• From Road Warrior to drunk driver: a timeline of how Mel got so nutty.
• And yes, you knew it would happen - Mel Gebstein t-shirts.
  

The Last 10 Minutes - Blair Compares Abs, Chest, other Body Parts With Arnold

British Prime Minister Tony Blair sizes himself up against Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger during his recent visit to California, and says remarks that could never ever no never in a million years be misconstrued or taken as anything else than what they so totally did not actually say but almost certainly did.

View the video report here. Plus:

How much for a piece of Cher history? And look at this headline plucked from the front pages of Reuters website:
The funniest guerilla will be killed by John Matrix last. Maybe.