Dude, They're Just Chickens

Which is what it all comes down to, really. I mean, look at this kid's name here on the right. KENTUCKYFRIEDCRUELTY.COM. Yes, I've seen Meet Your Meat, and I love Morrissey and I'm all for more humane ways of having my filet mignon, but someone needs to slap this kid with big fist of GETALIFE. Maybe he get a job as Jon Heder's doppelganger.

For the Video Report, click here.

See you next year!

Where Does Your Coffee Come From?

Next time you're in your favorite java joint, ask 'em. They'll likely tell you tall tales of exotic lands of afar, but see if they carry Kopi Luwak. What makes this coffee so special? For the Video report, click here.

Hey, Neighbor - Urine Luck!

While the debate of drinking one's own urine continues on, humans pretty much across the world agree someone else's is pretty gross. Here's a story of a man who thought sharing his whiz would bring a little holiday cheer. I wonder how he did it...For the Video Report, click here.

Lose Weight, Make Money

That's what companies are telling obese employees. Rather than footing the bill for increased health care, some employers are putting their money in their employees' mouth by feeding them bills instead of donuts. Does it work? President and CEO Mark Wayne told The Detroit News: "When somebody feels good, they're healthy, they work harder and they're more focused," not adding, "plus it means less broken chairs." For the Video Report, click here. Then click here & wait til after the ad for the classic video. I mean, look at Jered here. Dude makes bank.

Did You Get Want You Wanted for Xmas?

Video iPod? 20 years ago you might have gotten a walkman, the #1 gadget of the past fifty years. At least according to PC World. But I'm biased. 80's toys rule. Personally, I would have moved Atari up the list, the Game Boy WAY up, and not even included the Razr. But that's just me. What else was on the list? View the Video Report here.

See You Next Week

So we had a last-minute company lunch, and we ate and drank. Then I came home & walked the dog, and was about to take a nap when I almost forgot about my 2 3 4 5! readers. So although I can't do a video, I'll throw you a link (here) that should give you a chuckle and make for good conversation over grog & pine.

Okay, so I'll give you a video, but not of me. Go here for an ode to YTMND and the glory of disposable pop culture.

If I haven't returned your call, I'm sorry. I will next week. Promise.

Barbie Mutilation is Child's Play

While you might expect to find this scene in the house of your friendly neighborhood rapist (don't know who they are? Click here), studies show there's certainly nothing to worry about if you find little Sally "gleefully" torturing her Barbie dolls. Nothing at all. Perfectly normal. View the Video Report here.

Study: Chunk is Thin by Today's Standards

Legendary 80's fat kid star Jeff Cohen aka "Chunk" reluctantly assumes his new role as a model for morbidly obese youngsters. "I mean, I was fat, but come on," Chunk did not say. "Today's kids, man, they're like Buicks." Spokesman for Physicians Against Tubby, Beefy & Overweight Youth (PHATBOY) cites several recent reports (here and here) and says: "You see these, 2, 3, and 400 lb kids and just wanna cry. But you gotta start somewhere. Being like Chunk's a good first step." For the Video Report, click here.

SPAM Got You Down?

Did anyone even know that an anti-spam law was even passed? Although some of them are pretty funny. Plus: Iran makes world music selection for over-40 ponytail & bead wearers that much easier. Also: Carbon Monoxide - More Than Just Another Suicide Method - see here. And Bush needs no intro. Just click here. Then view the Video Report here.

Zebrafish May Explain Why I'm White

Scientists find a gene in African Zebrafish they say helps to account for differences in human eye, hair, & skin color. It does not, unfortunately, explain why I can't jump. For the Video Report, click here.

UPDATES: Arrested Development, Borat

It looks the greatestest show on TV may not die after all - or at least it'll be resurrected. You can't kill Borat either, try as Kazakhstan might. NICE! For the Video Report, click here.


Save Arrested Development!

Mona Lisa's Smile Means Something!

Before Julia Roberts destroyed any vestiges of Mona Lisa's subtle coyness with her less-than-blockbuster movie (forgot about that one? So did I. Almost.) Mona Lisa was the subject of many a fanboy's dream for centuries, with that soft, demure smile - which actually means something. At least, according to the latest software. View the Video Report here.

Headlines From the Future

MISSOURI, 2023 - Eighteen year old Mr. Richardson (photo, right) sues his mother for aggaivated assault causing bodily damage to him as a fetus.
At the time, Ms. Richardson went skydiving when her parachute failed to open properly. Falling face first on a parking lot, both mother and unborn child suffered severe injuries.
Ms. Richardson asserts she would have never jumped had she known she was expecting, and maintains she thought the morning sickness, belly swelling, and cravings for pickles and maple syrup were happening "just because." View the Video Report here.

Ever Want to Change Your Name?

India's cities have been going through a rash of name changes: Bombay is now Mumbai, Calcutta is Kolkata, and - my personal fav - Trivandrum is now Thiruvananthapuram. Just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? And now Bangalore, home to many companies' outsourced tech support, has decided to jump on the bandwagon & change its name, too. View the Video Report here.

For Just Cents a Day

You could give this little boy food, shelter, and an Xbox. But does he even exist? Caseworkers in Houston were recently busted for phony Katrina sob stories to tug at donor's heartstrings. But even the most pathetic won't sway Angelina Jolie - she's only impressed with swarthy foreign tots who've never seen the flickering blue light of a TV in a country who just recently stopped having diarrhea. And they'll have the coolest hyphenated name ever. View the Video Report here.

What Would You Do For a Brick of Blow?

Well, you can either be a superrich supermodel superstupid supernotpayingattentiontothecamera, or steal it. This woman goes for the latter. Kate Moss is disgusted but says she'll put in a good word for endorsements at the magazines that "like the idea of danger about her" using cocaine. Good on ya, Kate. Spread the love. View the Video Report here.

Hey - She Was Naked, I Had a Camera, OK?

The possibility of naked Jennifer Anistion pictures captured by a "I just happened to be there" paparazzo being published prompted her lawyers to threaten legal action against any magazine who might be so bold to do so. Because she was on her balcony in front of her unfenced yard topless, and was totally not expecting any paparazzi to be anywhere near her house, because what is she, famous or something? View the Video Report here.

Bro, That Moustache Makes You Look So Money

While the moustache has recently gained acceptance outside of anti-hero icons and molesters, other grooming faux pas have yet to enjoy that status. Think your work's dress code is strict? Take a look at this, this, and then the Video Report here.

You Pee, You Pay

Though lower animals may not think much of public open-air waste expulsion, we as civilized human beings can politely refrain and should use the proper facilities - especially after eating asparagus. Every now & then (and more often in San Francisco), someone decides that any place is a good place, and just goes right there. Those that do in Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin, however, better not get caught. For the Video Report, click here.

Who Invented the Mullet?

...so we can shoot him? Not the most hideous (that would have to be these guys) but definitely the most offensive, the hipster mullet is all the rage as fashionistas rock 'em with borrowed nostalgia for the unremembered 80's. So who do we have to thank? According to Bono, none other than historical footnote Patrick Swayze. Read the story here.

SORRY, NO VIDEO TODAY. THIS COLD'S GOT ME SLAYED. SEE YOU TOMORROW.