The Last 10 Minutes for the Next 5 Days

I'm rubbing it in, but I won't leave you with nothing to occupy your idle time while I'm away, starting with a rare wildlife artist's capturing of Star Jones:
See you on Wednesday.

• "Alcohol was involved." No, really?
• This clip is not actually from the upcoming Transformers movie, but if it was, it'd be really cool. A contraband preview for Transformers is here.
• A Madonna fan purportedly waves this sign at her New York concert: You MADE me Gay!!! Funny, I always thought it was your ugly ex-girlfriend.

The Last 10 Minutes - Gitmo Suddenly Looks Cheery In Comparison

Fateh Mohammed awoke in his Pakistani prison feeling an unfamiliar pain in his lower abdomen, and if you haven't read the story yet click here or just view the video report here.

Plus:

• Drunk driver hits a pedestrian after swerving all over the street before the cops stop him, and he says "Wait. Lemme finish my beer."
• Strange things happen in the town of Belmont. Someone takes a dump in a woman's bathroom while she's away. Twice.
• You've probably seen the airbrushed preggo photos of Britney Spears. What you probably haven't seen is what she really looks like.
  

The Last 10 Minutes - Gay is Okay

An official 1996 document called Gayness a "mental disorder," in the same class as Retardedness, Multiple Personalityness and Habitually Getting Drunkeness. In light of the document's recent uncovering and the clamor for its revision, the Pentagon released an update on the issue today. For the video report, click here.

Plus:

• Johnny Depp admits pirates might be gay, too.
  
• Reading from New York? Oh, bummer. You're gonna die. 98% sure.
• Dude, Axl, stop biting people. And those braids are so...199-NEVER.

The Last 10 Minutes - Michael Jackson Lives

But not in America anymore. The King of Pop and Ambiguous Skin Disorders™ is placing his digs in Europe, where he plans to rekindle his faltering musical career and absolutely not look for cute Italian and Swedish boys to play with.

View the video report here.

Plus:

• It's not gonna be out for another year, but the Spiderman teaser trailer is already here.
• Only the Japanese can make taking a dump so disturbingly adorable.
• OMFG if this only happened 15 years ago it would be so on.
• You've been waiting almost a year for the trailer of SOAP. Here it is.

Am I Still at Work?

Not for much longer. Email inbox: Empty. Nice. I feel like this dude:Who is absolutely unbelievably outside-your-peripheral-vision fat. This guy could eat four pre-op Star Joneses as appetizers. Oh wait, you didn't know girl had her stomach stapled? Oh but the process was horrendous. Must be hard to lose all that weight without even trying. And to still be as appealing as a wrinkled skin sac in a Halloween trashbag princess outfit and prom night tiara. Yes Star we sympathize. As much as we sympathize with kids when they get their arms cut off when they put them out the school bus window.

Still, homeboy's not as fat as he used to be, and so I applaud his efforts. I mean, dude has problems. Had to go on National TV to get help. You go, fat man. Donate the extra fat to Star Jones for some more surgery to help a girl out.

Plus:

• Someone give this girl some gloves & throw her in the ring with Mike Tyson.
• Dude, you flunked your test? I can tell you how to make sure they'll never find out. But it kinda sucks.
  

The Last 10 Minutes - Gandhi Pwns Hussein

Hunger Strike Score:

Gandhi - 21 days

Saddam Hussein - Lunch

Hussein - Pwnd

View the video report here.

Plus:

• More 80's Videos! Now including Asia!
• Want more videos? Try "Crackheadz Gone Wild!" Family fun!
• Pee Power: the Other Fuel. Except it's yellow.

The Last 10 Minutes - Iranian President Not Gilligan's Illegitimate Son

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad refuted claims he is the long lost son of Bob Denver. "For the last time, there is no connection," Ahmadinejad asserted, although he was heard to mutter: "Cheap @!$$!! didn't leave me nothing when he died. Now I have to run this country on my beard alone. Thanks a lot, dad. I hate you."

For the latest on Iran's nuclear standoff, view the video report here.

Plus:

Argyle cardigan wearing website Pitchfork cements its position as self-appointed arbiter of what music sucks and what doesn't in its latest list of the 100 Awesome Music Videos.

Hollywood does its part to curb suicide bombing by special effects.

Getting fired from your job may kill you, so stop your porn surfing.

Sadly, Screech from Saved By the Bell never did make the big time, despite his grossly underappreciated talent and probiscis largesse. He may lose his house. You can help him.

The Last 10 Minutes - Half Dome vs. Xbox

This is important, people. Watch the video report and click the link to the referenced article. I could write a lot about this, but I'd really like your comments on this.

Now for the silly stuff:

With the wealth of knowledge gained from Hannibal, Sylvester Stallone, and Hulk Hogan, Mr. T is ready to help fools in his upcoming reality show.

Ah, 1994. The year I graduated from high school. Shortly after I received my diploma in my oxblood Doc Martins, retro garb from thrift shops was becoming mainstream, I was still wearing my Fuc't shorts, and OJ Simpson's white Bronco was televised for all to see. Oh, you forgot about that? Well, now you can buy the commemorative souvenir, right at home next to your cap and gown. Hurry while supplies last! Otherwise, there's always the bombed Oklahoma City Federal Building.

Until Mr. T's show premieres, you can satisfy your kitsch appetite with America's Got Talent, which has Simon Cowell, David Hasselhoff, Regis Philbin, and Brandy (WTF?) collaborating for a revisioning of Star Search. If it's half as funny as The Gong Show, I may just lower myself to watch.

The Last 10 Minutes - I Love You But I Have to Kill You

A Chinese woman has been charged with killing her husband with a sword because he refused to make dinner. But you know, in all honesty, he should have known his place in the kitchen or he wouldn't have made her kill him. View the video report.

Plus:

North Korea says testing missles is a right. While the world debates this statement, it is unamimous in the opinion that dressing like an '82 Fat Asian Mr. Furley with Hammer shades is not a right.

Instead of taking a tree-climbing dude with a hairy tail to the circus, he is revered as a god incarnate.

The Great Hollywood Regurgitation Machine™ brings Conan the Barbarian back from the dead.

The Last 10 Minutes - I'm Lazy and Stupid

And I can't think of anything for the video. So instead I'll give you one from the archives & post some juicy tidbits for you to nibble:

Remember that Michigan girl who fooled her parents into getting her a passport so she could hookup with her Jericho Romeo? Apparently dude is really, really bummed out.

New mom Angelina does not want to create a nation of hand-picked cross-continental babies who will live and die under the Jolie-Pitt Flag of hyper-beauty and celebrity status. It just looks that way.

That buzzing overhead is not from last night's bender.

The Last 10 Minutes - My Milky White Body!

Last week I showed you my back surgery bandages. Today, I'm taking them off. View the video here. You'll have to excuse the blinding ultra-white skin, I don't get out much.

Plus:

Seth MacFarlane of the Family Guy talks to Harvard grads as Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, and Quagmire. Giggidy! Giggidy! All right!

Paul Reubens AKA Pee-Wee stars in the alternate video for the Raconteurs' Steady As She Goes.

The trailer for the upcoming Borat movie was removed from YouTube, but I know where you can find it. Here. High five!

Waste time with Nacho Libre in the online game Nacho Kung Fu. Scroll over the pictures on the left, and click on the mask. Muy maravilloso!

The Last 10 Minutes - Everyone Understands Poop

An influenza pandemic is not a matter of if, it's when. Vaccinations are expensive, even for developed countries. Those in the Third World don't even stand a chance. Or do they?

Behold, the DIY defence against death-dealing virii - the t-shirt mask! Yes, cotton from a t-shirt (or in MJ's case, underwear), can shield you and your loved ones from various airborne diseases. Only it's not incredibly effective. In fact, it can get downright filthy. But don't take my word for it. Read what Virginia Dato has to say about it. For the video report, click here.

Plus:

• The hiphop classic video "Your Mama's On Crack Rock" is resurrected on YouTube. If you look real close, you'll see a cameo by Whitney Houston.
• How hard is it to cancel AOL? A blogger decided to find out. Click here for the story or if you're lazy, here for the recorded conversation.

The Last 10 Minutes - I'll Have a Baby Boy To Go, Please

Gender selection is perfectly legal in the US, but not so in other parts of the world, where pesky ethics laws prevent such scientific meddling and stymie good ol' American consumerism. Jerks. Plus:

Peter Paul and Mary are up for award for being the longest living grownup-looking people ever.

You may want to leave the kids at home when going to this Farmer's Fair.

The famous ring tone you're too old to hear is here.

Spiderman outs himself. No, not that out.

Nicolas Berg was beheaded on video, & it was posted on the internet. The man allegedly behind it is dead. Were you Berg's father, would you be happy? Berg's father is not happy.

For the video report, click here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Steven Hawking Owns You

In a recent news conference, the great Steven Hawking warned of the very real risk of world disaster - so much so, that he promoted space colonies.

At the same conference he announced he will be the Supreme Galactic Overlord.

Everyone was cool with that.

For the video report, click here.

The Last 10 Minutes - Of Cars and Cereal

• Being obese may save your life – it did for this man.
• Gullible woman returns with dead dog to beat the breeder with it.
• iPods more popular than beer. Than Coors, I can understand. Not this beer.
• Woman exposes herself in public. Not as cool as you might think.

For the video report, click here.

VLOGGERCON 2006 - Final Draft

Something urged me to take my scooter into the city for VLOGGERCON, something I haven't done in forever. Mind you, the last time was with my ultrahip ubermod 1976 Vespa Rally 200 years ago. After too many times of the old vintage breaking down on me, I had to give up that beauty for something that didn't break down - a new Yamaha Vino. Now I get dirty looks from the cooler-than-thou kids, but at least I'm not stranded trying to kickstart my way to work anymore.

My scooter, or any scooter, isn't really meant to go more than about 40 MPH. After that speed, your scooter doesn't feel quite as safe anymore, wiggling and shaking like Michael J Fox on uppers. The scooter tho, is the quickest and easiest way across the Bay Bridge into San Francisco. And if you plan it right, it's free. Most of the time traffic doesn't go faster than 55 anyway, so keeping up is not a problem, and lagging behind is less a worry than, say, on the Autobahn.

Up the eastern span, on the Oakland side, the wind kicks up and conspires to take little guys like me down and under the quad-axles of rigs and trailers steamrolling the concrete behind me. It got a little scary a few times, the wind whipping around me and causing my eyes to water even behind my glasses. The wind died down after descending on Treasure Island, and the second half across the western span was slow and easy, giving me postcard-perfect views of the city by the bay. Queue Journey soundtrack.

And so now I'm here, at the Swedish American Hall, where the VLOGGERCON is happening. I'll be taking notes on what people say. Let me know if it makes sense to you; us techno dilettantes can admittedly be nauseating. But that's because we know everything.

Stay tuned.

*UPDATE* 12 Noon to 2PM

Political Vlogging & Social Change

Kent Bye, after seeing the same news being regurgitated on all the networks, decided that he should start taping various news sources and give import to stories he believed needed a louder voice. In so doing he created a way to aggregate news media (audio & video bites) to prevent one-dimensional reporting and put them together in a format for others to view and rate. Think of it as YouTube for the news.

What exactly is it like to be homeless? Brett Gaylor wanted to give this maligned and misunderstood group the opportunity to videoblog and to show others what it’s like to walk in their shoes. Compelling and enlightening to see what happens when your rights are taken away by those who feel you don’t deserve them.

*UPDATE* 2 PM-3PM

Rocketboom's Success

Quite possibly the most well-known videoblog of the news, Rocketboom spoke of their current position as arguably the most popular videoblog on the net, how they arrived there and where they’re going.

To sum up: being boring sucks. Phenomenally, this missive is oft overlooked by most, whether they be videoblogs, podcasts, or just plain old typed blogs. Be provocative, funny, daring. Push boundries. However you do it, make it interesting. And please keep it short. If it’s not quick and succinct people won’t want to give you their precious time. In fact, they will hate you for taking their time. Daily updates, too, cannot be overstressed. Once a week will leave your regular readers dissatisfied, and the one who visits for the first time will be put off by stale news.

UPDATE June 11

Right after yesterday's post my computer ran out of gas, and since I didn't think to bring my power cord, that was the end of the day's reporting. Today, tho, I'm fully prepared, with an ultra-atomic hyper-nucleo powered generator - ain't nothing gonna stop me now.

Right after Rocketboom, Jen Simmons schooled us on how to pimp out your Blogger or Wordpress blog. Gal was boring as listening to Stephen Hawking without a voicebox, but she sure had some dope ideas to trick out a blog. All of it was in html & on a Mac, which went over my head like a Japanese opera, but it inspired me nonetheless. Not enough to actually do anything to this blog, but you know. I want to.

Then there was a forum on Community Vlogs, which I have to admit was outrageously interminable but kind of interesting because of the real-ness of it. Steve Garfield and others gave tips on storytelling & journalism for the common man (or woman), and where to find stories. What did I get from it? Stories are everywhere, but telling a good story, that's where the talent lies. If you don't have it, you can learn it, and if you don't learn it, your blog will be avoided like Pete Doherty's used syringe by all but your closest family members. And maybe Pete Doherty.

What I found interesting was the subject of Flash in Videoblogs. Our software plays back captured video in Flash, which looks super-awesome and smooth as can be and is cross-platform and easy to use, since everybody already has Flash installed on their computer - no special player to download. Plus, most of the work is done on the client side, which means less work for companies that host the video.

So with all this in Flash's favor, what's not to love? Well, a few things: flash used to suck, and even tho it has made incredible strides in quality, some people just can't shake their old misgivings like they have with diesel. In addition, most video capture devices (cameras, camcorders, cellphones) natively encode in a different format, and to re-encode in Flash requires expensive programs, niche expertise, and most of all, and most of all, time.

Or does it? It used to be, but now there are companies (like SightSpeed, among others) that will automatically render your video in Flash when you upload it, for free. Wa-bamm. Easy like Wynona Ryder. The only catch? Video aggregators like Yahoo!, MeFeedia and Google don't really crawl for Flash video yet, so your video may be overlooked. And let's face it: you're making video to be seen, you megalomaniacal diva ego junkie. In this case, Flash may not be your bag. But all that may change real soon.

After the session there was a party that click.tv hosted near the top of Potrero Hill. Relaxed alcohol conversations about the videoblogging community and various tools made for a pleasant couple hours, and the Thai food was fantastic and abundant. For a brief moment I thought it was the dotcom heyday of 1996.

Finally I went across the Bay Bridge again, with less wind to battle on the lower deck. Instead of getting off at the nearest exit, I continued another couple miles to the University exit with some joker on my 50-55 mph tail the whole time, on me like grey on two-day-old dog poo. When I finally got off, it swerved around me and some college bunny shouted something drunkenly incoherent and the car sped off. Then their lane slowed down, and I passed them. The girl then stuck her tongue out and gave the rock out sign or something. Rad. And then there was a red light. So I told them to roll down the window. The others in the car looked away, but the girl smiled and rolled down the window.

"I couldn't hear you back there, did you say something?" I love putting people on the spot to see if they'll fess up. She did.

"Yeah, you were going hella slow on the freeway." She turned to her friends and giggled. They shook their heads and laughed and kept looking down. She then turned to me again.

"Well, you were!"

"Sorry about that. See ya." I didn't care. I just wanted to see what she would do when I cornered her. The light turned green.

"It's all right!" she screamed after I sped off. "Bye!"

And now, today. It's been a long read. You can come back tomorrow if you need a rest.

I decided to not take the scooter today and be warm. I hopped in our hooptie Ford Escort Sport (aw yeah) and headed over to the city. Around Emeryville the radio started fading out. I looked at the display. 105.3 was disappearing, the volume control was disappearing, the lights were going away. Then the dashboard displayed faded. The engine began to lose steam. I started to feel like Scotty on Star Trek.

Stalling on the bridge would not be good. It never is. When someone stalls on the bridge it creates the worst snarled traffic for hours and makes you want to shoot babies with a sawed-off 12 gauge. Actually, that's pretty macabre. OK, not babies. Baby dolls.

I did not want to be one of those people that make you want to shoot baby dolls, so I turned around and headed back home to get our sturdy indestructible Toyota T100 truck. At every stop, I felt a bit of the engine's soul float out the tailpipe and into the ozone. At University and Shattuck, it almost died when the green light came on and I sped off, but it lasted only five seconds before it puttered to a stop in the middle of the street. So close!

I backed the car to a red curb and ate Indian buffet while I waited for Maceo to come and give my battery a jump. In a half hour I was home and off again, and so here I am. And what have I got for you? After I get a quick bite on the Castro streets I'll come back.

Wait. That didn't sound right.

Since I got there late, I wasn't able to see Character Building from the guys from two of my favorite videoblogs: bottomunion.com and human-dog.com. These vlogs are funny and brilliant and at times randomly non-sequitur and I was really keen on listening to Erik Nelson and Chris Weagel talk about RSS because I have no idea at all how to use it, but apparently these guys are the masters. In fact I need to bug them, this reminds me.

Another one I missed was the session on Journalism in Vlogging, but I think I'll just cut and paste from the program:

This presentation will flail sophomoric visual theories of neuropolitics, culture jamming, and radical media criticism like a drunken bearded sailor in an old Viking Hall (truth in advertising), and serve it up authoritatively with rarefied supersized dollops of righteous yammering pontifically parsed...all for the squaling delight of the vlogging community.

Makes me kick myself for missing it.

What I did see was Mashups and Remixing from Vloggers, and all I can say is Josh Leo is a genius. He uses his Mac and Garage Band to create hyperstylized video that will blow you away. At least I think he does. There was this one video, and man it was sweet. I think it was his. Not sure though. But pretty sure.
*EDIT* I was right! Josh sent me a link to the video, you must see it here.

And finally, there was the aforementioned Jen Simmons, who was a bit more caffinated than the day before, and Michael Verdi, the man who has helped many a newbie to grasp all the basics and some of the intermediics and advancedics of videoblogging. The last session they MC'd was The Undiscovered Country. Prognostics? Maybe. Hopeful? Definitely. Videoblogging is the next big thing, people. And it's getting easier and more fun everyday. Can't wait for VLOGGERCON 2007.

Just a Minor Surgery

When I was 12 my dad sent me to pick up photos at the local pharmacy, which I resentfully acquiesed to as I hopped on my bike and grumbled off.

And then it went black, but here's what they tell me:

A car hit me. My pre-pubescent body crashed into the driver's windshield, then tumbled over the hood and onto the street. Lucky not to have my head sliced clean off, the doctors told me. Spend a day and a night in the hospital nursing a consussion sharing the room with a collicky baby that cried so much you wanted it to burst in flames and turn to coal dust.

Glass from the windshield kept working its way out of my head, ears, and back for months afterward, except one piece on my back. After 18 years it had enough scar tissue around it to be clearly visible underneath Robocop's body armor, so I made the arrangements to have it taken out today, with dreams of showing my future progeny "Grandpa's glass." Alas, it was not to be.

For the video report, click here.

Plus: VLOGGERCON starts tomorrow! Video Technonerds Unite! Thanks to Schlomo for the tickets! Expect daily reports!

Ann Coulter Loves Your Pain

Snakey vemom-slinger Ann Coulter flung biting invectives at 911-widows, calling them "witches...reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by grief-arazzis." To which the world replies, "Oh yeah?"

You're ugly. And look like a dude.

The Last Ten Minutes

Doctors remove a baby's third arm; Dr. Otto Octavius plots his revenge.

Guess what? Your impounded hooptie costs less than the price of the fines & fees. What do you do?

Alien blood cells from outer space? Maybe. And maybe I'm the Greatest American Hero.

Khan Owns Starbucks

Seems the ancient bloodthirsty brilliant conqueror Genghis Khan has been repackaged as the figrative ancestor to Bill Gates and Howard Schultz, among others, as the Father of Globalization. Too bad Mongolia hasn't learned a lot from its founder, as its only exports are...um...Mongolian BBQ Restaurants.
For the video report, click here.

The Last Ten Minutes

• Did a duck swallow an alien? Majority of Brits think Oasis are better than the Beatles, which is like comparing Johnny Cash to an asthmatic one-armed leper. I'm just saying.
• Batwoman is resurrected as a lesbian, which was only the next logical step after her previous male lover casually remarked that bestiality was getting "sooo passè."

And for your weekend time-wasters...

• Learn to dance like a gypsy cokehead.
• When the words don't come out easy, let them sing it for you.

Does This Burrito Come With Rat Sphincter?

Michiganian Ryan Daniel Goff was found guilty of the stupidest crime next to wheelchair fraud: eating at a restaurant and pretending something icky got there and suing the establishment. I mean, come on - how many times has this been done recently? And the sad thing is, dude's 20 years old. Before he was old enough to legally drink beer, kid gets sent to the big house. Good move. A warning example to idiots everywhere.

For the video report, click here.