This Week in the News

• When no one else will talk to you, Lou Ferrigno will. For a price. Or any of these other out-of-work-and-desperate-for-cash B-, C-, and D-list celebrities.
• Stunt jumper disguises himself as fat man to evade authorities, tries to dive off Empire State Building. If only that was Rosie O'Donnell's excuse.
• Oh, and Rosie's joining the cast of cackles on The View. To add testosterone, we assume.
  
• Senators push for disintegration of FEMA. Response from New Orleans: "Fee-who?"
• Tom Cruise likes to jump, change his wife's name, and run. He likes to run a lot.
• When your mother nags you, you gotta stand up for yourself. Like this man.

Can Porn Stars Act?

Four of them will be given the chance in a new reality show, entitled "My Bare Lady." Which is probably the dumbest porn movie name ever. Couldn't they have come up with something better? At least something that wasn't already taken.

For the video report, click here.

$3 a Gallon? Sorry, I Hadn't Noticed...

Escalating gas prices are causing some commuters to quit their jobs, but a few intrepidly sneaky in LA have found a way to get free gas. Legally. Take advantage of it before it's gone, people.

For the video report, click here.

Magical Bacteria for the Magical Fruit

Beans are, pound for pound, one of the most nutrient-dense foods on the planet - in some cases, the only food available. Plus they're the key ingredient in refried beans. Their lofty status is besmirched, though, by their connection to stinky butt-exhalations. However, a recent scientific breakthrough has produced a bacteria additive that changes all that. Post-party drunken fart-ingniting may never be the same.

For the video report, click here.

What Would You Do?

FEMA wants $4.7 back from Hurricane victims.
Now, I don't riff often, and this is not in any way a political rant, but if you, like me, have even the smallest sense of humanity, you can see the painful irony in this.

The role of the Federal Emergency Management Agency is "to lead the effort to prepare the nation for all hazards and effectively manage federal response and recovery efforts following any national incident." - FEMA Mission Statement. Funds have been set aside for catastrophes such as what decimated the Gulf Coast. Medical treatment, food, clothing, shelter, etc. are to be provided as well as reasonably possible.

Apparently it also includes demanding repayment for these services.

Not to succumb to knee-jerk feelings of outrage, I thought, well, there must be a reason. And there is: according to FEMA some had duplicated or just plain made up social security numbers to cash in on the handouts. Remember those $2000 ATM debit cards? Well, in addition to winding up being spent on things other than relief supplies, some got two. Three. Who knows?

And who cares, right? These people are in need. No one can deny that. But I dunno, it's like when some homeless guy who's down on his luck feeds me this line about their kids being sick, and I found out later that I'm being had. Not that dude doesn't need the money; that's not the point. No one likes being taken for a fool.

But on the flip side, FEMA admits some of these extra benefits are the result of internal error. Which is not surprising, given the agency's track record. Sooooo...

This is a tough call. My call would be to just let it go. Given that the federal money is spent on all kinds of things I don't want to even know about, I'd say this is a time to take the loss for the greater good.

Thoughts?

For the video report, click here.

The Last Ten Minutes

• Earlier I posted about a woman concealing a gun in her special no-no place. Apparently she started a who-can-hide-the-biggest-weapon war.
• Dry Fire is not the best game ever, but the blood and screams sure are fun.
• Smashing Pumpkins are reunited & writing again. If you can't accept they are one of the greatest US bands of the 90s then go ahead, have your Hootie.
  

It's 4/20 Today & Quentin's On His Way

On this day, many a frat house and ponytailed hippie hobo will celebrate 420 without having the slightest idea what it means, where it comes from, or why am I even here on this totally awesome sphere bro I dunno but if God made it you know it must be all right and what are you even talking about just pass the bong man.
For the video report, click here.

The Last Ten Minutes

• I wish I had one of these.
• An LA elementary school principal somehow confuses a nuclear attack with an immigration protest. Like who wouldn't?
• For the men: the Diary of Body Hair.
• For the women: the Scourge of Muffin Tops.
  

Wis. Governor Signs New "Duh" Bill

Governor of Wisconsin Jim Doyle acted in the behalf of Universal Common Sense™ and bans people from suing restaurants for making them obese. His idea "is to place responsibility on individuals for the choices they make." The bill did not include a mandatory slap with a brick to the face for anyone who does not know that eating crap and living a sedentary life will eventually lead to weight gain, however slight. "It's not like I have anything against obesity, but you are what you eat," the Governor did not say. "Everyone knows that. It's sad I have to make this a law. I mean, am I gonna blame Enron for funding my trip to Tahiti? Oops."

For the video report, click here.

You Need to Know This, or, The "I've Been Sick & This Is All You Get" Post

Mega Men and Emer'gen-C could not keep away the ills of Winter, not even now. It seems the office is a bedpan of dirty virii and icky foul stuff, which invariably found their way to me, giving me the same cold everyone else has had. Probably even you. Thanks a lot.

A video is out. Not even happening. But that's not to say I haven't found some juicy tidbits for you to munch on. Enjoy.

• Tom Cruise eats placenta! Just kidding. But if he did, would you really be surprised?
• Breyers Ice Cream rep: "We didn't tell them to do that. And who's got the dirty mind?"
• God wants Mary J. Blige to wear bling. But hopefully not grillz.

VLOGGERCON 2006

So the gurus who chose the pronounciationally-ambiguous (vee-loggercon? vlah-ger-khan?) videoblogging convention wanted to get the word out, and so that's what I'm doing. The website's here, along with other promo videos. Geez, if BowieChick gets this much publicity just talking about Logitech, imagine what your crazy-mofo-mind can come up with. Surely something more titillating than what brand webcam you use. Hopefully better than my best efforts (check out this comment).

The Last Ten Minutes

• Disney's Super Terrible Ride-o-Death™ kills another.
• TABC finally gets that busting drunks in bars is probably not the best way to win a cause.
• Tiger Woods says "spaz." Epileptics retort, "That's retarded."
  

Death of Indian Actor Prompts Rioting

The actor who started a film genre that is greatly pushing the limit of how many ways a plot can involve random singing and dancing, has died. The death of Raj Kumar, one of India's most beloved actors, prompted the Prime Minister to blubber a eulogy in his honor and caused one city to riot in grief. For the video report, click here.

The Last Ten Minutes

• 50 Cent is gay. Maybe.
• Lindsey Lohan is forever immortalized in wax. The real one, unfortunately, is still around. And still not as lovely as she once was.

Foul Idea?

A movie theater in Japan is releasing its new Film-Funk™, a device which purportedly spews various smells during a movie, depending on the emotion. People strongly urged not to go to see upcoming Vaughan-Anniston flick The Break-Up with its happy/not-happy ending with this device installed, as the scent during the entire movie is preset to VOMIT.
For the video report, click here.

The Last Ten Minutes

• Why waste money on professional Lasik eye surgery, when you can do it yourself?
• Woman hides a gun in her vagina. Now I know who shot Biggie.
• This is just beyond words. At first its strange, then hilarious, then awesome, then hilarious, then inspirational, then you just wanna club Montel.

WWJDIHPDAGHITF?

A youth minister was put to the test during a game of dodgeball when one of the kids scored a bullseye and hit him in the face with the ball, knocking his glasses off.
What Would Jesus Do If He Played Dodgeball and Got Hit In the Face?

I need that bumper sticker.

View the video report.

Old Person Holds Up Traffic, Everyone Pretends Not to Get Pissed

5,639 old people hold up traffic every day. Okay, so those stats are made up, but I'm sure it's that number at least, if not more. Finally, one officer gets the courage to slap one of 'em with a ticket for obstructing traffic, and people balk. Am I the only one that would high five the officer?

For the video report, click here.

Now Being Poured at Your Local Gay Bar

Confessions on a Dancefloor wine can only be bought at www.celebritycellars.com, where the grizzled mummified livelings try to emboss themselves eternally on bottles of wine, which shows how much their tastes have changed over the years of cocaine lines & vodka body shots. "Oh, no, I drink wine now. See? I've got my name on one. I used to be so silly, wasn't I?"
For the video report, click here.

The Last Ten Minutes

• As if Eva Longoria hasn't whored herself to every magazine in the world, she is now on the largest magazine cover ever - 110 feet long. Oh, and if you can't find it within your budget to go out to the middle of the southwestern desert to see it, you can view it from space here. Aliens en route to Earth to end all extraterrestrial life debates and bring supranatural futuristic technology that would effectively wipeout human suffering as we know it, saw that & kept going. "F---. She plagues this planet, too?"
• Girls wear short shorts. The same trendy girls with no sense that tried to rock the low-rise craze but instead made children cry with their muffin top and stretch marks all collectively gasped and cried, "That's so me!" forgetting to clean the lint out of their dimpled thighs and thinking it's all so hot.

Best Excuse to Use Word 'Penile'

A 25-year-old man "snapped" after his penile enhancement procedure left him "extremely unhappy" & went all Unabomber on the surgeon, driving probably in his superbig Ford duelee with 8" lifts and shouting all the words of Limp Bizkit with his backwards hat and goatee dreaming of Britney and wondering how that sissyboy K-Fed got to hit that when he dropped the bomb off in the mailbox. Sentencing is set for July 7, for charges that oddly enough did not include "Telling the whole world you need penile enhancement." Not that the jacked truck wasn't a hint.

For the video report, click here.

The Last Ten Minutes

• The Next 007 - Best British Tabloid Headline Ever.
• Jessica Simpson in Upcoming Baywatch Movie? - At least we don't have to hear her sing. But who, pray, will fill the alcohol-sodden icon of the Hoffmeister? And don't tell us Johnny Knoxvile.
• Never Play with Firearms, Kids - Here, I'll show you what can happen.

Where My Grillz At?

Little did he know it, but Flavor Flav started a stupid trend that everyone laughed at and mocked and no one cared to imitate and it only took about 15 years to fully develop into a still stupid but now somehow socially acceptable trend that people are actually buying into.
Something tells me the unironic moustache is just around the corner.
For the video report, click here.
And for local ghetto news, click here.

The Last Ten Minutes

Wondering what to do the last 10 minutes of your workday?

• Bearded Dudes - Being homeless, not cool. Looking homeless however is a trend currently rising from ironic moustache status to being the hallmark of antipathetic cool. Apparently.
• Grups - Oh man, this so pinned me. Without the $200 jeans. I mean, come on!
• Star Trek Karaoke - Spock sings better than Bobby Brown. Really.

I Got Blogged!

And not by me! Somehow my shameless self-pimping got the attention of Loaded Pun, not a small player in the videoblogging field (small player, that would be me). So the same offer I made on that website, I make here: anybody who emails me regarding yesterday's video gets a free upgraded SightSpeed account.

And now on to the News of the Day:

Women. Countless words have been written and sung; endless images painted and filmed. And yet, throughout history, no description comes as close to perfection as this one from India.

William Shakespeare, check thyself.

For the video report, click here.

Please Save This Idiot

I love my work. I mean, now I do, this job of finding tidbits of anecdotal information - news, if you will - and parlaying them into a short writ blog & 60 seconds of mildly entertaining video about which you can say, "Well, it wasn't that bad," and you'll acknowledge, however begrudgingly, the quiet brilliance of shaded innuendo and double entendre, quite possibly see the next video the following day, and (blatant self-whoreing) if the heavens are good, subscribe to my blog and tell all your friends to do the same.

But this is all in jeapordy now, due to sketchy viewership, which is probably due to my obvious suckiness, but the point is this: if I don't qualify my time spent doing this, then I'll have to return to what I was doing before here at SightSpeed - tech support, billing, and shipping. Not that those jobs are inherently bad, it's just...this job is so not suck, that it would suck to go back.

So please save me from this destiny, I implore you. If I can somehow prove that blogging & video is a profitable way for my company to employ me, then I will be eternally grateful. If not, I will eat all your children while they are still alive with tabasco sauce and cole slaw.

View my pathetic video pleadings here.

Reporting Across Cultures, Part II

Our groundbreaking interview with Borat gives a seldom-seen glimpse into the heart of the reason why horses mean so much to this Kazakh man, and why no one's laughing at him.

For the video report, click here.